This morning, in attempt to better understand myself in light of what the Word teaches, I read a few articles that I believe could be useful to you as well.
BRINGING IT HOME by Charles R. Swindoll
My Ugly Blind Spot By Suzanne Hadley
Vocabulary of Grace by Rachel Starr Thompson
And one with a stunning title: Hate Your Life by Kara Schwab
I hope that they help you as you grow closer to the Lord today!
Caedmon's Call \ Thankful
You know I ran across an old box of letters
While I was bagging up some clothes for Goodwill
But you Know I had to laugh at the same old struggles
That plagued me then are plaguing me still
I know the road is long from the ground to glory
But a boy can hope he's getting some place
But you see, I'm running from the very clothes I'm wearing
And dressed like this I'm fit for the chase
'Cause no, there is none righteous
Not one who understands
There is none who seek God
No not one, I said no not one
So I am thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own
'Cause we're all stillborn and dead in our transgressions
We're shackled up to the sin we hold so dear
So what part can I play in the work of redemption
I can't refuse, I cannot add a thing
'Cause I am just like Lazarus and I can hear your voice
I stand and rub my eyes and walk to You
Because I have no choice
I am thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own
I'm so thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own
'Cause by grace I have been saved
Through faith that's not my own
It is a gift of God and not by works
Lest anyone should boast
Not that I have time to post, but I really feel that I should take the time to post. Not many read this blog, but I'd like to start using this one. I have a blog for ministry, that I'd like to use too.. startingtheadventure.blogspot.com, and facebook seems to be taking over the world.
Well I'm dealing with the wonderful world of Ministry Partner Development. I say wonderful world because like many things the Lord plans, it's refining. Wonderful to be looking back upon times when the Lord works... painful to be in them. I have a lot of weaknesses that make this hard... and many sins that keep me from fully trusting in the Lord. E-buke right there.
I went to a service this Sunday and it was on putting God first, before money, schedules. I'd add comfort. It's easy to do the things that come naturally, hard to stand out from the crowd. It seems to be a pattern in my life - no compromise. Psalm 101.
It's a great time to be reminded of how many loving and encouraging friends you have... and to be loving and encouraging back. The world runs on love, it's like natural gas we need it to go on.
Not too much of this makes sense, but anyways.
I read Psalm 42 today. As the dear pants for water so I pant for you O Lord. Really? Do we really? And do we satiate that need or just push it away and try to continue on... maybe seeking other things to complete us? I know that I go about my day with too many hours isolating myself from God - even when I've set that day aside for him. Totally donc!
Faith has to be the most important attribute when in ministry... and the Lord is teaching me this - it's a process.
I was listening to this talk today: Mark Driscoll
So on Saturday Mike Woddard came by our training with a stack of envelopes. Inside were our placements, the ones we've been eagerly awaiting.
He picks them up, waves them about, and then Dave Beck (MC) says that we're not going to find out during Mike's session, not even till the end of the next one. That's like 2 hours of the envelopes being in the room, without us being able to read them. What's more, we had a 24 hour period where we couldn't tell anyone about it. We had to pray about it, and not talk to people about it, not anyone.
In October, when driving into Montreal, I got this feeling, an overwhelming feeling, that God was calling me there. There's a lot that God could be up to in that city, and I believe that he's doing something. There are a few other Christians I know in Montreal and they're seeing things too.
When I got my envelope I was surprised with the words Montreal Metro. Interesting, you may say. I had spent about a month psyching myself up for seeing anything else. I knew God was calling me to Montreal, but I didn't want to be totally disappointed if he'd decided to use me elsewhere. I mean God's moving everywhere, and he's working in people everywhere, so why not be willing to move anywhere to serve him? Also, everywhere else had this mysterious adventurism to it. The possibility of not knowing had excited me. Yet, after thinking about it a while, I had known that Montreal was my destination, so I was happy about this decision.
Now, not talking to anyone about it was interesting. There were some people who wanted to learn sign language just to be able to communicate with others without talking. Some people wanted to talk about the future, but realized that it would imply their next destination.
Anyways, the time's over and so I now know that I'm in Montreal with James Lucas and Lydia Low!! Oh my goodness, could God have blessed me any more? I mean seriously, my city, my closest new staff friends...
Sounds kinda weird, I don't really know James that well, but I've known him the longest. Last night we talked about stuff and it was nice to get to know someone I so highly respect.
So today we start MPD (Ministry Partner Development, or support team) training at 8am, can you believe it?? 8AM! I feel tired just thinking about that time of the morning. I am actually tired just getting up at 6:45 to get ready for 8am. I seem to have some extra time, or I'm just stealing it to update y'all. Well, although I don't look forward to having to MPD once I get back, and I don't look forward to sitting any longer, I do look forward to the understanding and knowledge that I will acquire.
On Wednesday (the 1st day) Dave Beck said that by the end of our time we'd all be the best of friends and we'd remember everyone's name. I laughed, thinking this room is too full for any of that. But it's right, at least for the campus staff. There are a few other staff who've made their presence desired and made good friends with us, but most of them just stuck to themselves. I think 30 campus staff would be intimidating, so I don't blame them. But I now have like 25 new friends! People I'll see at future training and be able to talk to online (if I work at my lack of communicating skills, in general). People who'll be going through similar stuff to me, during MPD and the first days on campus.
Actually MPD really frightens me, to the point that I'm having to work at trusting God through this. If I don't have my full support raised by August, does God love me any less? And is God big enough to get my full support raised by August? Are a few questions that might personify what's going on in my heart. Could you please pray for me, that God would bless me abundantly and that I'd be on my knees daily at the mercy of his provision?
Friday in Abbotsford
Today was action packed. We start our day at 8:30am, and didn't finish until 8:30pm. We then went to the restaurant and had desert - too much iced cream.
I noticed a vent I'd written a while back, in my journal. It was about looking for the perfect spouse. So much of the way we go about trying to find that special someone is egocentric. Is that person good enough for me, does he/she fit my personality type, will they fulfill my needs (no, they could never!). We were doing personality test reviews today, to look at our weaknesses to avoid burning out and conflicting with our future team mates, and to know ourselves better. One of the people in the room asked if this could help us in choosing our spouses. The answer was that God's will and understanding is higher, but that it would help when trying to work out conflict and needs. Like, if you were to find the perfect spouse, according to your standards, that person is still sinful, dynamically changing, will loose their beauty/charm as the years wear on, and not be able to meet all of your needs. If we are confident in ourselves, due to the confidence we find in Christ; love ourselves in the love of Christ; and see our beauty/charm as Christ defines who we are and how he sees us, then we don't need the other to fulfill things they weren't meant to fulfill.
In reading Blue Like Jazz, I realized that I love others above myself... but don't love myself that much. I often feel that taking care of my own needs is too unloving towards others. They could have used that time or money for their needs but instead I was too self-ish and worried about myself. I felt guilty for buying new clothes and make-up, when really I've never spent money on myself, bought clothes that I like (or try styles to be able to discover my own), or bought cover-up in my entire life. I've been living off a student loan, spending money on others and on basic needs. When spending money on food is considered a luxury your perspective changes. Yet, I have spent money before entering into a salary. All this to say, I find it hard to receive love from others, or God, or myself. I know I don't feel 'worthy' or good enough for love because I've been told that by my peers, and I've always been an over achiever. What does God have to say? I have loved you with an everlasting love, comes to mind.
As I said above, I have spent some money on myself, and so I feel guilty of over indulgence. I worry that these things are taking me away from God. Well, then I thought that while spending time on putting myself together, rather than just rolling out of bed, I can be praying to the Lord, hashing things out and repenting when my attention is directed to how others are going to think of me if...
Todays talks were mostly about our relationship with the Lord. My first thought was how I get so wrapped up in the structures. Schedules, expectations, routines. Here I am, at a staff conference, loving the Lord, surprised that we're discussing our faith. That's so donc. I was so impressed that the President of Campus Crusade for Christ was talking to us about God being our compass and that we need to rely on him in everything if we're going to make it through life and ministry.
While going through my Birkman report, it was clear how much I rely on affirmation and sounding boards. A strong note was made that we need to have our support groups (family, friends, mentors) with us as we move into this new time of life. This is a common characteristic for our group (the 30+ of us here at MET) that is true amongst us. I am so glad that I'll be in Ottawa this summer, so that I can fight the impression that I'm all alone and no one understands me.
Well I'm tired, don't know about you. I need to get some good sleep, finally.
Good night.
So Ottawa won, again. Once playoffs start, I watch and cheer for any Canadian team. Toronto fan, born and raised here. Canadian teams come second rate. Yet my attitude isn't 'any team but Ottawa', like I've seen from many different hockey fans.
I miss watching my brothers play hockey. It makes the game 100x better. Really, then you can justify feeling so attached to the game. It's funny, watching a room full of people talking to a screen, engaged in the game .... more than a jurry in a court case.
It was weird today. I was reading a friend's xanga about the top few things that turn guys off women. Was this eddifying? I find it totally unedifying, unloving, manipulative. Where do I get my guidance from in becoming the woman I am to be??? The Word, and the whispers from God. Do I care what you want me to be like (or women in general) ?? Am I now supposed to now try my hardest to be good enough for your standards, as if!! I am a princess of the Lord most high, you are a prince of the Lord most high. I am talking about honour, respect, and trust in God's purposes, where is that?
Are we in grade 9 still?? Are we playing the 'love game' like those of the world with no God to guide them.
p.s. making lists of turn offs makes you not sexy!
Affraid that women are hung up on some image of the perfect man? Check this out. Affraid that you're never going to meet the guy? Check this out. Affraid that no one could be good enough for you, check this out!
Peace out.
Oh, man. This weekend was so cool - so God! He's been working in my life about less-wild lovers and strongholds, submission, and Holy Spirit control. This weekend was just one more step in this walk. There have been multiple media dealing with these issues (all centered on the Holy Spirit) - tapes, talks, books... prayers.
Well this weekend started with natural gifts, from Romans 12, and it's skills you're given at conception - the components of personality. My top three were Compassion (showing mercy), serving, teaching/exorting. This wasn't too much of a shock. I figured I was a perciever (i.e. sees evil and good as black and white, tells it as it is...etc).
Then we went into how we're made up of Spirit, soul, mind and flesh (the spirit being a container for the Holy Spirit, until it's received)....
more later.
Well, considering God directs my every step ... or the ones that work out for the better of me, I'd say that he does.
There was a debate at Carleton this evening regarding whether or not God Exists, and it brought out 500 people. I prayed that God would change the lives of each person who entered the room, for his glory. I didn't attend. I wanted to go with my roommate, but she wasn't up to it, in fact. I invited a few friends, but none came through. I usually do it all last minute, and this is no exception. Also, about 10 minutes before the shuttle bus arrived at Ottawa U, a friend of mine called to say that there was a friend of hers who wants to go, but she was already at Carleton. I rushed out the door, walked to school quickly, to find that the shuttle had left. So, I went to prayer. It was wonderful, seeking the Lord.
Then I came home to spend some time with my roommate who wasn't up to going, but we found ourselves watching a movie that's really depressing, and exalts strongholds. It was so... unedifying. I am so unhappy now, I need to praise God, read his word, talk to him. I'm talking to my brother right now, trying to listen and give some help.
So the other night I woke up crying. I don't usually cry, but this time I wasn't conscious to stop it from happening (some unhealthy habbit I have). And once I realized I was awake, I couldn't stop crying still. It was about feeling inadequate at work and in my education. I'm not used to failures, or feeling out of my league and my subconscious mind got the better of me. I rebuked the feeling of inadequacy at work cause it was only my 2nd day; and I'm dealing with the feelings of inadequacy at school cause I'm understanding it and loving attending class (a 1st since Sept 2002).
I'm still trusting in God. This is totally a test of endurance and perseverance (James 1:2-4). How long do I hold on to what he's telling me, and what part of it is him (where as some of it may be me just being silly). Like I have no money, and I know that God's providing and money will be here soon, but do I borrow money to go to something with friends - say a STARFIELD CONCERT?? Do I conserve all of the pennies and only be out 1100, or do I borrow an extra $11 to make it an even $1111?? I keep working my shifts and await the paycheques. God has made himself known in such intimate financial ways, like my return bus tickets being bought during my shifts because God is providing through tips (unexpected until my 1st shift).
I'm going to Summit this coming weekend. It seems silly to say this after the above paragraph, but God is totally providing for this. It could be coincidence or just circumstances (but is God too big or too small to use those things?). Let's see, from North Africa Project (like Montreal last year) we're recieving a $50 scholarship to cover some of the cost of the retreat. Also, without scheduling it with my boss, I'm getting next weekend off. I didn't think that would happen in 100000000 years. So now I have to trust that if this is God's will, he'll provide. I want to see if I can get my lil brother to go too, it's such an amazing experience with long-lasting impact. If Erin (littler brother's gf) decided to go too, that'd be amazing.
Well call me to catch up (I won't referr you to my blog :P )
So I got the much needed call this afternoon. I was reading and napping and happened to be coherent when I heard the phone ring. The call was from my boss. See I got the job on the 27th of August, but they didn’t have the business until the 7th. I missed the preliminary meeting and have been waiting for him to reschedule since the 1st. Understandably the owner has been running the shop by himself and any other employees who have done it before. I, on the other hand have never worked in the food industry, let alone a coffee shop, so I guess I’m not a highly valued employee at this time. I was anxious, as my earlier post describes, but as many were right, I just had to be patient. Easier said than done, but I only called him once and his wife (co-owner) once. And I was trusting in God, without allowing myself to be lazy/apathetic. My parents on the other hand were nervous wrecks, and making me anxious and feel irresponsible. I got a job for in between, before the place opened… and did training, emailed and called. But I have had to use my parents caring provisions before due to irresponsible choices on my part. I guess they just knew that they were tapped out now, and couldn’t allow for me to rely on them at this time. So rough… so strengthening. I just hate being treated like I’m still 18.
I got an email from a friend, who isn’t living out his faith (if he is a Christian), which said something about God Bless You, which caught my eye. I searched the net for an article on faith, God, belief – that also was entertaining and not too in-your-face. He wrote back that he hasn’t thought about his faith in a long time, and basically he’d like to keep it that way. Apparently he forwarded the article I sent him onto a believing relative, who then asked him about his faith. I’m excited that I got him thinking, and hope that there are no hard feelings – I don’t think there are any. I am keeping my eyes open for other thoughts to share with him, but I also want to read his reply again to see if there’s anything I can say to reveal God to him, and the eminent importance of Eternity. Never going to be an apologist, or a debater… my words aren’t my quality, but I do hope to help a friend.
This evening I was watching an episode of Exchanging Vows. There are two couples that plan each other’s wedding and the couple to get the most elements right based on the information given receives a free honeymoon. The bride of one couple was born-again Christian but was marrying a man who seemed to have a different faith. It was evident that this was causing strife in their relationship. I doubt they’d divorce over it, but I think that they were making sacrifices that diminished the quality of their lives. Where else do we make sacrifices/ become apathetic towards life so that it’s easier to continue as we are? We accept lies because others accept them; they seem like fact. Like the definition of beauty. Of female. That we need fame and riches to be ‘good enough’. Accepting disease/illness being normal/scientific fact. But God did not create us to be ill; he wants for us to have perfect health and is able to heal.
I think of the small things that have kept me from enjoying the Lord, from being Fully Alive, from being in awe of creation, of God’s love, His heart. The hurt, guilt, and lies that have kept me from being the person that I was meant to be. We are in an Epic, one in which there is a rescuer. Praise God that his heart is good. And there is a “happily ever after”. Praise God for eternity. A favourite quote from the book, Epic by John Eldridge, is, “ Surely you see that God is more creative that we can possibly imagine, and romantic to the core”. But there’s more to this than I can put to words (or even thoughts at this hour) so I will leave you now.
I guess you are all entitled to an update in my life. It’s hard to write a public journal when a lot of it has been personal. Well, here’s what I’m willing to divulge.
Although I worked for the Faculty of Social Sciences for 101 week (September 1-6), I haven’t been able to get into contact with my other employers (Second Cup). Since I wasn’t able to make their 1st meeting (on the Tuesday) because I was working at school, I am afraid that I have lost their favour. Originally I was told that Second Cup wouldn’t be employing me until the 7th - shouldn’t have conflicted. But then they decided to have a meeting before they gained possession of the business, so that messed up MY PLANS. What are God’s? I recently did the required online training, hoping to gain their favour, but it seems to have gone under the radar. I am afraid that I didn’t make it high enough of a priority to meet their expectations. While I was waiting for them to gain possession of the location, I was busy moving in, and spending time at 101 week and with my brother that I didn’t return their call for a few days or do the training until just now. To my credit, I was relying on being able to borrow an up-to-date computer from roommates when they’re home/not using it… I’m so afraid I’ve lost their favour. Please pray for this situation. I was so sure that it was God’s timing for the interviews, and the fact that they’re Christians and didn’t mind if I took Sundays off. It was such a blessing; it is such a blessing… and such a stress.
What else? I have 1 course this semester – hahaha what a joke, 1 course. Honestly, it’s a course I have failed 2 times. Didn’t know you could take it a 3rd time! Well I am, I am going to persevere and cover the mark that currently lies on my transcript. Praise God that I have this grace to cover over a past mistake! Hmm, sounds familiar. Well I have even surprised myself in making study notes from the 1st real lecture. I hope to do the same tomorrow. I have opened up the textbook already too. It was so much review that I didn’t get far, plus I had a friend sitting next to me as I read, talking constantly :P Oh well, I am excited about passing this class this semester. I know, I know that it’s going to happen. I have a lot of work ahead of me… best get to it!
Hmm, so my little brother has settled in to his new place. At home with the boys, like they should be. I am excited to see how God’s working in Stuart’s life. I am encouraged to have him around and thank God for that blessing.
I have been revisiting books I read in April, rediscovering the blessings and challenges they presented, looking to a better conviction of their teachings, a real difference/healing in my life. This is a quote I wouldn’t mind sharing with you, “Many are living the big lie that if we are real Christians we should experience a real peace in all circumstances”. It’s all been so challenging.
C4C has really grabbed my heart and attention again. My role is undefined, which leaves me feeling… undefined? I like to help out and get things started… but I have to remember what it was like in their shoes. Well God has really blessed us with a lot of new, interested students. PRAISE HIM.
As someone without a job, with little class, and a hope for a bright future, I have really been learning about patience. James 5:11 says, “See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable cup and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains”. A good friend of mine once said something to the effect of, “Temptation always calls us to take something that is far less than what the Father has in store for us”.
Ever since I decided to follow the advice of the academic counselor and only finish my degree and not attach another undefined amount of time studying Psychology as well, I have been in the search of a job to fund living. I have 1 course in the Fall and 3 in the winter. Most of them are at a very high level of difficulty and I have failed 3 of the 4 in previous years. Needless to say my education is top priority this year, no mistake. I need to find a job that will cover all of my expences that usually accumulate to $11,000 for the 8 months (including Christmas gifts). I want to be able to work a regular, steady, well paying job - but that takes a lot of work to find.
I could be fretting since I have 3 weeks to find/earn at least $800, but I am confident that no matter the employment I gain, it'll be for His benifit and mine (perhaps in the long run).
Any leads?
I am setting this up to draw your atentive eye to my space at www.xanga.com/worded.
I love reading all of the entries on blog and would love to connect friends from blogger to xanga.
