Scarry dream

So the other night I woke up crying. I don't usually cry, but this time I wasn't conscious to stop it from happening (some unhealthy habbit I have). And once I realized I was awake, I couldn't stop crying still. It was about feeling inadequate at work and in my education. I'm not used to failures, or feeling out of my league and my subconscious mind got the better of me. I rebuked the feeling of inadequacy at work cause it was only my 2nd day; and I'm dealing with the feelings of inadequacy at school cause I'm understanding it and loving attending class (a 1st since Sept 2002).
I'm still trusting in God. This is totally a test of endurance and perseverance (James 1:2-4). How long do I hold on to what he's telling me, and what part of it is him (where as some of it may be me just being silly). Like I have no money, and I know that God's providing and money will be here soon, but do I borrow money to go to something with friends - say a STARFIELD CONCERT?? Do I conserve all of the pennies and only be out 1100, or do I borrow an extra $11 to make it an even $1111?? I keep working my shifts and await the paycheques. God has made himself known in such intimate financial ways, like my return bus tickets being bought during my shifts because God is providing through tips (unexpected until my 1st shift).
I'm going to Summit this coming weekend. It seems silly to say this after the above paragraph, but God is totally providing for this. It could be coincidence or just circumstances (but is God too big or too small to use those things?). Let's see, from North Africa Project (like Montreal last year) we're recieving a $50 scholarship to cover some of the cost of the retreat. Also, without scheduling it with my boss, I'm getting next weekend off. I didn't think that would happen in 100000000 years. So now I have to trust that if this is God's will, he'll provide. I want to see if I can get my lil brother to go too, it's such an amazing experience with long-lasting impact. If Erin (littler brother's gf) decided to go too, that'd be amazing.

Well call me to catch up (I won't referr you to my blog :P )

18 or 23?

So I got the much needed call this afternoon. I was reading and napping and happened to be coherent when I heard the phone ring. The call was from my boss. See I got the job on the 27th of August, but they didn’t have the business until the 7th. I missed the preliminary meeting and have been waiting for him to reschedule since the 1st. Understandably the owner has been running the shop by himself and any other employees who have done it before. I, on the other hand have never worked in the food industry, let alone a coffee shop, so I guess I’m not a highly valued employee at this time. I was anxious, as my earlier post describes, but as many were right, I just had to be patient. Easier said than done, but I only called him once and his wife (co-owner) once. And I was trusting in God, without allowing myself to be lazy/apathetic. My parents on the other hand were nervous wrecks, and making me anxious and feel irresponsible. I got a job for in between, before the place opened… and did training, emailed and called. But I have had to use my parents caring provisions before due to irresponsible choices on my part. I guess they just knew that they were tapped out now, and couldn’t allow for me to rely on them at this time. So rough… so strengthening. I just hate being treated like I’m still 18.

I got an email from a friend, who isn’t living out his faith (if he is a Christian), which said something about God Bless You, which caught my eye. I searched the net for an article on faith, God, belief – that also was entertaining and not too in-your-face. He wrote back that he hasn’t thought about his faith in a long time, and basically he’d like to keep it that way. Apparently he forwarded the article I sent him onto a believing relative, who then asked him about his faith. I’m excited that I got him thinking, and hope that there are no hard feelings – I don’t think there are any. I am keeping my eyes open for other thoughts to share with him, but I also want to read his reply again to see if there’s anything I can say to reveal God to him, and the eminent importance of Eternity. Never going to be an apologist, or a debater… my words aren’t my quality, but I do hope to help a friend.

This evening I was watching an episode of Exchanging Vows. There are two couples that plan each other’s wedding and the couple to get the most elements right based on the information given receives a free honeymoon. The bride of one couple was born-again Christian but was marrying a man who seemed to have a different faith. It was evident that this was causing strife in their relationship. I doubt they’d divorce over it, but I think that they were making sacrifices that diminished the quality of their lives. Where else do we make sacrifices/ become apathetic towards life so that it’s easier to continue as we are? We accept lies because others accept them; they seem like fact. Like the definition of beauty. Of female. That we need fame and riches to be ‘good enough’. Accepting disease/illness being normal/scientific fact. But God did not create us to be ill; he wants for us to have perfect health and is able to heal.

I think of the small things that have kept me from enjoying the Lord, from being Fully Alive, from being in awe of creation, of God’s love, His heart. The hurt, guilt, and lies that have kept me from being the person that I was meant to be. We are in an Epic, one in which there is a rescuer. Praise God that his heart is good. And there is a “happily ever after”. Praise God for eternity. A favourite quote from the book, Epic by John Eldridge, is, “ Surely you see that God is more creative that we can possibly imagine, and romantic to the core”. But there’s more to this than I can put to words (or even thoughts at this hour) so I will leave you now.

Beautiful

What happened?

I guess you are all entitled to an update in my life. It’s hard to write a public journal when a lot of it has been personal. Well, here’s what I’m willing to divulge.

Although I worked for the Faculty of Social Sciences for 101 week (September 1-6), I haven’t been able to get into contact with my other employers (Second Cup). Since I wasn’t able to make their 1^st meeting (on the Tuesday) because I was working at school, I am afraid that I have lost their favour. Originally I was told that Second Cup wouldn’t be employing me until the 7^{th -} shouldn’t have conflicted. But then they decided to have a meeting before they gained possession of the business, so that messed up MY PLANS. What are God’s? I recently did the required online training, hoping to gain their favour, but it seems to have gone under the radar. I am afraid that I didn’t make it high enough of a priority to meet their expectations. While I was waiting for them to gain possession of the location, I was busy moving in, and spending time at 101 week and with my brother that I didn’t return their call for a few days or do the training until just now. To my credit, I was relying on being able to borrow an up-to-date computer from roommates when they’re home/not using it^… I’m so afraid I’ve lost their favour. Please pray for this situation. I was so sure that it was God’s timing for the interviews, and the fact that they’re Christians and didn’t mind if I took Sundays off. It was such a blessing; it is such a blessing^… and such a stress.

What else? I have 1 course this semester ^– hahaha what a joke, 1 course. Honestly, it’s a course I have failed 2 times. Didn’t know you could take it a 3^rd time! Well I am, I am going to persevere and cover the mark that currently lies on my transcript. Praise God that I have this grace to cover over a past mistake! Hmm, sounds familiar. Well I have even surprised myself in making study notes from the 1^st real lecture. I hope to do the same tomorrow. I have opened up the textbook already too. It was so much review that I didn’t get far, plus I had a friend sitting next to me as I read, talking constantly :P Oh well, I am excited about passing this class this semester. I know, I know that it’s going to happen. I have a lot of work ahead of me^… best get to it!

Hmm, so my little brother has settled in to his new place. At home with the boys, like they should be. I am excited to see how God’s working in Stuart’s life. I am encouraged to have him around and thank God for that blessing.

I have been revisiting books I read in April, rediscovering the blessings and challenges they presented, looking to a better conviction of their teachings, a real difference/healing in my life. This is a quote I wouldn’t mind sharing with you, “Many are living the big lie that if we are real Christians we should experience a real peace in all circumstances”. It’s all been so challenging.

C4C has really grabbed my heart and attention again. My role is undefined, which leaves me feeling^… undefined? I like to help out and get things started^… but I have to remember what it was like in their shoes. Well God has really blessed us with a lot of new, interested students. PRAISE HIM.

As someone without a job, with little class, and a hope for a bright future, I have really been learning about patience. James 5:11 says, “See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable cup and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains”. A good friend of mine once said something to the effect of, “Temptation always calls us to take something that is far less than what the Father has in store for us”.

Bless you.