Friday at MET

Friday in Abbotsford

Today was action packed. We start our day at 8:30am, and didn't finish until 8:30pm. We then went to the restaurant and had desert - too much iced cream.

I noticed a vent I'd written a while back, in my journal. It was about looking for the perfect spouse. So much of the way we go about trying to find that special someone is egocentric. Is that person good enough for me, does he/she fit my personality type, will they fulfill my needs (no, they could never!). We were doing personality test reviews today, to look at our weaknesses to avoid burning out and conflicting with our future team mates, and to know ourselves better. One of the people in the room asked if this could help us in choosing our spouses. The answer was that God's will and understanding is higher, but that it would help when trying to work out conflict and needs. Like, if you were to find the perfect spouse, according to your standards, that person is still sinful, dynamically changing, will loose their beauty/charm as the years wear on, and not be able to meet all of your needs. If we are confident in ourselves, due to the confidence we find in Christ; love ourselves in the love of Christ; and see our beauty/charm as Christ defines who we are and how he sees us, then we don't need the other to fulfill things they weren't meant to fulfill.

In reading Blue Like Jazz, I realized that I love others above myself... but don't love myself that much. I often feel that taking care of my own needs is too unloving towards others. They could have used that time or money for their needs but instead I was too self-ish and worried about myself. I felt guilty for buying new clothes and make-up, when really I've never spent money on myself, bought clothes that I like (or try styles to be able to discover my own), or bought cover-up in my entire life. I've been living off a student loan, spending money on others and on basic needs. When spending money on food is considered a luxury your perspective changes. Yet, I have spent money before entering into a salary. All this to say, I find it hard to receive love from others, or God, or myself. I know I don't feel 'worthy' or good enough for love because I've been told that by my peers, and I've always been an over achiever. What does God have to say? I have loved you with an everlasting love, comes to mind.

As I said above, I have spent some money on myself, and so I feel guilty of over indulgence. I worry that these things are taking me away from God. Well, then I thought that while spending time on putting myself together, rather than just rolling out of bed, I can be praying to the Lord, hashing things out and repenting when my attention is directed to how others are going to think of me if...

Todays talks were mostly about our relationship with the Lord. My first thought was how I get so wrapped up in the structures. Schedules, expectations, routines. Here I am, at a staff conference, loving the Lord, surprised that we're discussing our faith. That's so donc. I was so impressed that the President of Campus Crusade for Christ was talking to us about God being our compass and that we need to rely on him in everything if we're going to make it through life and ministry.

While going through my Birkman report, it was clear how much I rely on affirmation and sounding boards. A strong note was made that we need to have our support groups (family, friends, mentors) with us as we move into this new time of life. This is a common characteristic for our group (the 30+ of us here at MET) that is true amongst us. I am so glad that I'll be in Ottawa this summer, so that I can fight the impression that I'm all alone and no one understands me.

Well I'm tired, don't know about you. I need to get some good sleep, finally.

Good night.